A wise dance professor once told me "It's kind of a metaphor for life.... relationships... when to hold on, when to let go..."

Ballet and I have an interesting relationship. Most of the time I love it and respect it, but lately I’ve been feeling a bit betrayed by it. I feel like the harder I work, the more it pushes me away…. perhaps it knows that I secretly favor modern, or does it just love the chase?

I have been taking double ballet this quarter, and I for a while I could really feel the changes in my body. I was better aligned and proper muscle memory was starting to set in, but then something changed. It may be that I am just over thinking things, or that I have hit a dreaded plateau, but classes have been a real struggle lately. I am trying to engage the correct muscles, and pull up, and look out, but stay grounded and rotated and then I still fall over. Just a couple weeks ago during adagio I felt very on my leg, I was confident in my work and loving this new found sense of stability, now I feel like I am doing adagio on a sailboat! It is discouraging and frustrating. I want to work through it and figure it out, but instead I find myself getting mad at my body and confused with what went wrong. I tell myself to think "up and out" but then I splay my ribs, or focus on standing leg rotation and gesturing leg looses it. What is wrong with me? Where did all that work go?

Overall, I know I am still getting strong and learning so much, but it is hard to work towards a goal and not always have something to show for all the effort I have put in. It is also such a subjective field we are getting graded in. Everyone has a different aesthetic and a slightly different view of “good” or “right.” One of my biggest challenges right now, aside from working on improving this never ending battle with ballet technique, is figuring out what my personal goals are in dance and my individual aesthetic. What do I need to do to improve my own work and become the best possible dancer I can be? Luckily for me, I am in the perfect place for that; I am surrounded by supportive and incredibly talented people, who can offer up a wealth of knowledge. Even when I’m feeling down on myself though, I try to remind myself that I get to wake up every morning and do what I love. Every relationship worth having is worth fighting for.